A Perspective: On Giving in Friendship
Last month, I came across an interesting verse from Bhartrhari’s Neeti Shatakam and it has got me thinking about “giving” in friendship.
This is how it goes
क्षीरेणात्मगतोदकाय हि गुणाः दत्ताः पुरा तेऽखिलाः
क्षीरोत्तापमवेक्ष्य तेन पयसा स्वात्मा कृशानौ हुतः ।
गन्तुं पावकमुन्मनस्तदभवत् दृष्ट्वा तु मित्रापदं
युक्तं तेन जलेन शाम्यति सतां मैत्री पुनस्त्वीदृशी ॥ 1.77
kshirenaatmagatodakaaya hi gunaah dattaah puraa te’khilaah
kshirottapamavekshya tena payasaa swaatmaa krishaanau hutah
gantum paavakamunmanastadabhavat drishtwaa tu mitraapadam
yuktam tena jalena shaamyati sataam maitree punastweedrishee 1.77
Meaning:
Water and milk are friends. Water is added to milk in a pot. Water also now looks like milk. Milk has given its own qualities to the milk. This water-mixed milk in the pot is placed on the fire to boil. The water is unable to bear the suffering of the milk. It evaporates by the heat (gives up life). The milk is unable to bear the separation of water. It jumps into the fire. (It boils over.) Immediately water is sprinkled on the overflowing milk. It subsides back into the pot. Because the friend came back, the milk is now happy. This is true friendship!
Understanding:
One can learn all about friendship from the relationship between milk and water.
They love each other so much that when water is added to milk, milk lends its good qualities to water and water adds to the quantity of milk.
When water finds that milk is in danger of boiling over, it first sacrifices itself by jumping into the fire to save its friend. When milk finds that its friend is in such a dangerous situation, it also jumps into the fire, unable to bear the separation from its friend.
When they both live together in normal conditions, they are happy and peaceful because they love each other so much and are so like-minded that they share their worlds.
With this note, let’s talk a little about “Giving” in friendship.
Giving in Friendship
Friendships these days are prone to remain shallow with just hanging out, partying, or sharing reels being in the syllabus. While one can experience the real magic of friendships only beyond that.
What can you give?
While giving gifts, treats, referrals, encouragement, and help when needed can come to our mind — What else can you give your friends?
Give them a chance to help you
One thing that greatly deepens friendships is vulnerability. Be vulnerable with the friends you can trust (who are actually friends) and allow them to help you.
Because, to what avail is the friendship if you can’t let them help you? So help them help you.
Give them a safe space to express themselves
And on the other hand, you should also help your friends be vulnerable. Only when one can be vulnerable and bring out one’s true self can one feel a real connection with others. And with all the masks we wear on ourselves throughout our lives, it takes courage to be vulnerable and express our true selves.
As a friend, giving a judgement-free, supportive space to your friends can help them in their trials to be vulnerable and express their true selves.
Give Feedback
While you create a judgement-free space for your friends, give them constructive feedback on things they can improve.
Have you heard of the Zeus’ fault? (click here and read Principle 1 to know more)
All of us humans are not devoid of flaws and they say that it is due to this Zeus’ fault that we are often blind to our own faults. And to amend this fault, we would need a friend who can stand in front of us like a mirror to help us understand our flaws.
So, give feedback and help them become better versions of themselves.
Give a little appreciation
Often people put effort into doing things for their friends and loved ones. While doing things with love in itself is a joyful experience in itself, it is quite natural to seek appreciation. Giving a little appreciation and acknowledging their efforts can give the other person great happiness.
Nonetheless, if the other person puts in efforts that don’t help you. It might help them to know that — acknowledge their efforts and communicate that their efforts do not help you and they stop doing it.
Give reassurance and clarity
In this age of social media invasion, and the emergence of concepts like ghosting, situationships, convenience crushes and a growing Gen Z dictionary., people are more prone to get muddled with insecurities and overthinking — ranging from confusions like “What takes them so long to respond?” to insecurities like “do I even mean anything to anyone?”.
The age of instant connectivity also paradoxically comes with the dangers of losing real connection. The ease of connectivity might push us into an illusion of deserving a quick reply. A little effort in giving reassurance and clarity can go a long way in making it easy for the people who consider you as friends.
Often overthinking people are over-loving people — and all they need is an over-explaining person to make things simple for them. Many of us can’t be over-explaining people but giving a little clarity can help them think less and be at peace. For example, clarity on things like “what they mean to you” etc.
And in case you are on the receiving end of confusion, just ask for clarity.
Give Priority, atleast try to
Friendships are the salt of life!
When you eat a dish you may appreciate it for its spice, sweetness etc while salt is taken for granted. While food can be repaired by adding salt, it may not be so in life — as hearts once broken aren’t easy to mend.
You might find yourself cancelling plans with friends for work, or prioritizing romantic relationships over friendships. That is when you should give priority to your friends and not neglect them to the point of no return.
And by giving all these, you would also give your friend a chance to be grateful. :)
How to Give?
After all this talk about “giving”, there are several things we can try to give up in friendships, such as ego, expectations, narcissism etc.
Giving to receive?
One thing giving up which would help you greatly is expectations in friendships. Because no human can reciprocate fully as we expect them to — which only God can.
You’d probably get exhausted from giving if you “give to receive”. That is if you give with expectations, especially when your expectations are not met. So, we need to try and give selflessly.
While you try to give up expectations, have your bankable sources of love, reciprocate with them and carefully balance giving to people who don’t give back.
Give what they want, not what you think they want
Sometimes we may find ourselves giving too much and not being appreciated for what we give. Quite possibly, the reason for this is that we are giving something that “we think” will impress them or they want to get. It is quite common when there is a mismatch between what you think they want and what they actually want. And it is also possible that they want to get something but not from you.
It is like speaking in Mandarin to a person who has never heard anything other than Telugu. Even if you give them the greatest speech they will stare at you confused for a while and just pass by.
And sometimes, you might have to give them something they need, but of which they are not aware themselves that they need it — and thus they won’t be able to recognize the value of what you are giving. In such cases, you just got to be selfless and let time tell them the value of what you are giving.
Putting together, Give something they want, and they would want to receive from you. If you are giving something they “need”, don’t expect to be appreciated.
And if you are giving something that would delight them (like gifts, surprises etc), give without any expectation.
And if you would ask…
Why to give?
We all have a circle of love, as a kid it is limited to us and as we grow up we generally include our family into it, and then may proceed to include one’s community, nation, world etc. With a little thought, we can understand that the bigger our circle of love — the more love we can give out and the more love we give out — the more joy we experience. By expanding our circle of love to include the whole existence, we can experience the highest joy of this world.
In our journey of expanding our circle of love, friends play a key role in being the bridge between family and society. And thus, giving to friends becomes essential to expanding our circle of love beyond our family.
And of course, Friendships get stronger by sharing and helping each other. And it is the intrinsic nature of the soul to love — which is the desire to serve and give. And who better than our friends to give what we can? And remember, giving in friendship is much more than just giving things.
By getting things, you can make a living.
By giving things, you make a life.
Thanks for reading! Please give your feedback — it would help me write better and encourage me to write more.
If you wish to read more about friendship — do continue with
A Perspective: On Growing in Friendship
And you can find other pieces of my writing here.
Cheers! :)
